When was the last time you thought about why it is you do the things you do? What is at the center of your motivation? What is your “Why?”

The reason for this blog post is to share an experience and some insight that came through for me over the summer. It was a really powerful shift and realization for me.

For those of you who don’t know, I got sober 6 years ago and since then I have been on this incredibly beautiful path of cultivating a relationship with myself and a relationship with The Divine. While it has been full of blissful discovery, it has also been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to walk through. I have struggled deeply with moments of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts in my darkest of times. Luckily, I have two incredible children that keep me striving to be better, as well as powerful tools to help keep me connected and rooted in my truth.

I remember the moment I decided to get sober... I looked over at my kids while they were sleeping and felt this wave of disappointment in myself come over me. My heart knew that they deserved the best mother in the whole world, and in that moment, I wasn’t her. They became my “Why”! I wanted to learn how to live, to be happy, and to be good for them. As time went on, and I held on to my sobriety, my “why” became being able to “help people heal”, and while at the core of my being all of those things were true, they were still reasons that resided outside of myself.

These waves of dark nights weave through my experience month to month. One night, it went really dark and I had a moment where I truly believed that the world would be better off without me. In that moment I had nothing to hold onto. It was like everything disappeared. That “Why” I once had no longer held any weight. Instead it was becoming the convincing factor in my minds reasoning. When it was over, all that I was left with were feelings of guilt and shame for “allowing” myself to go so far off the edge. It’s funny how I think that because I’ve done so much work, I “shouldn’t” think or feel these things, or that life is going to suddenly remove these nights from my experience. If anything they offer windows for reflection and I’m able to walk away from it even stronger somehow.

I feel like God was showing me my greatest weakness and giving me the opportunity to rise. To finally make the decision to let those thoughts and beliefs about myself die, and rise in the spirit, in my truth. It’s taken so much courage and faith for me to walk in love, and to continuously make the choice to shed the layers that aren’t me.

I knew that if I was going to win this battle, I was going to need a really strong reason to live, a really strong “Why”. I began to meditate on what that means for me. It took a couple days of meditating on the question before something showed itself… When I was driving, I had a vision. I was looking at myself from the outside looking in, I was in a peaceful meditative state, sitting on the front deck of a ship. When that image came through, I felt something inside ignite within me. My whole spirit said “yes! this is your why”. I smiled, my heart overflowed with gratitude, and I said “Yes” this is it. Suddenly my why was no longer attached to anything or anyone outside of myself, but instead to a state of being - (Contentment + Joy) that through a practice of daily devotion is attainable, and not only attainable, but this state of being shifts me into my highest frequency where all of the other “whys” I had attached myself to gets fed from this overflow as well. It was like a super Oprah AHA moment for me. Symbolically, the water in the image I saw represented the turbulent emotional waves that life will inevitability bring. Then me at the center, holding on to my peace through it all, grounded + connected in love. After that day, I decided to let go of anything in my life that doesn’t align with this state of being.

So today, that is my why, and my daily question to my spirit is “What do we need to do to get us there today? My goal is to flow from this river of intentional consciousness in the state of contentment + joy”. Today, Feeding my soul as the very first thing I do is the most important thing I do for myself. When I begin my day with my spiritual practice, I am always met with the state of overflowing joy and gratitude. Even on the days that I’m hurting... On those days its even more beautiful because I can cry my tears with the waters of the ocean and let her cleanse my spirit. In a very intimate way, I’m able to intentionally give to Mama Earth what is hurting me and trust that if it’s meant to die, it will be taken care of, and if it’s meant to live, it will grow into what is of the highest good for all. In a moment I am learning the medicine of letting go, trust, & acceptance.

• What is your why? and how can you hold onto that in the most challenging times?

• How do you want to feel on a daily basis? What qualities would you like to cultivate?

• What awakens the joy within you?

• Are you willing to give up anything that isn’t serving your soul?

Another great question that came through for me over the summer is:

• How do you want to feel when you look back at the life you lived?

I love that question, it had me really feeling into it… When I’m at the end of my life, I want to feel used up by my creator, I want to feel fully expressed and totally in love with the life that I created.

What about you? I would LOVE to hear your answers. You can comment below or respond to this email. I’d love to share some of these answers as motivation for the community. :)

Thank you for your existence!! Sending you so much love!

May your souls purpose be realized ♥️✨

Shine,

Bianca Cherie Maradiaga

AKA Zen